COURAGE AND DREAMS

After a very difficult time *see previous existential crisis, when my world and who i am was full of doubt, I have managed to gestate in darkness and have come out the other side with a new purpose and sense of hope!

The question I came to realise that needed asking of myself was when am i going to have the courage to be me and follow my dreams? I shall now quote Homer Simpson here, being the postmodern girl i am:

"If you dont try, you cant fail" - Homer Simpson

and this is exactly what i have been doing! This also ties in with a train of thought i have had for a couple of years now (to be precise, when Stewart and I broke up) when i said to myself... if i never have a romantic partner for the rest my life, what will my life be about? There is a card in my zen tarot that sums it up perfectly:

All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone and the alonessness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship. Thats why we become so much involved with love...you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone.

So with much thinking, reading, internet surfing and frequent naps with the smoochy black and white cat I am living with, I have come to the realisation that I am alone in this world and that I need to find a life that fulfils me and is not dependant upon anyone else for happiness. Of course, my connections to people are important and incredibly valuable, but i'm talking here about the very base of my exististence.

So with all this swirling about in my conciousness, and even before I had a solid sense of this, I quit my good job as a functions manager at kew gardens. And whenever I had a thought of doubt - I kept thinking of something my sister said to me...

have the courage of your convictions

and i sternly said to myself - am i going to spend the rest of my life being the panic bunny or i am going to have the courage to be the glorious, magnificent and svelte tigress I could be?