The Panic Bunny

I find myself in the midst of an existential crisis. What am I doing here? What is the purpose to this life of mine? Why do I feel like there are moments here that I just cant breathe?

So I have been in London almost three months now - and to be honest, its been a little like an emotional washing machine! In some ways I feel more resilient, others more fragile. Some moments are tough and I wonder what the hell I am doing here (these are my I hate London days, where i wonder why in the hell anyone lives here), but then something amazing happens and my natural exuberance manages to return! Guess you cant keep a good girl down.

Bits and pieces of me are bubbling to the surface and give me a better sense of myself - some of the bits i like and am proud of, others im not so sure about, like honestly , do i have t be such a drama queen smetimes! I am your proverbial panic rabbit, cute, fluffly and terribly endearing, however at the first sign of trouble (real or mostly imagined ;-) ) my natural inclination is to run hither and skither, dashing and darting all the while screaming Panic! Panic! Only to calm down, once i have realised I havent had the heavens fall on my head and realise there was no danger after all! It brightens me to be aware of the absurdity and ridiculousness of my own existence!

Im trying to focus my energies on being more positive and living in my heart and not always in my head (which can often be quite unreliable). Sometimes I feel like a whispher of a spectre, not quite here in the real world, someone without a shadow. But thats why I cames here - to find a solid sense of myself within the world and I will persevere.

Its ironic - my natural inclination is to crawl inside myself, where I can spend long periods of time in my own company, serene in an umcomplicated way, i literally crave time to myself and hold it to myself as something quite precious. And yet I know i must reach out to people, as connection to others, and indeed the world around me, is what truly inspires me.

I feel i have lost my old skin, and am vulnerable and raw - but my old skin was getting tatty and faded, and my new skin is ever so pretty, colours and swirls of infinte delicacy and beauty! I just need a little time to grow into it!

"Those who wander are not necessarily lost"